The Open Circle

Ever since I played drums on a Lite Brite box and imagined myself a musician, an entertainer, an artist, I have seen myself as firstly as a collaborator. You could blame the Monkees: they all sang, they all were the stars. But its amazing to think how they prepared me in deeper ways for the life I have: I knew at age four that Michael Nesmith wrote some of the Monkees songs, but so did Neil Diamond. When I moved on to KISS I knew Gene Simmons wrote "Living In Sin At The Holiday Inn" for Bob Seger. (What was he thinking?)

Anyhoo, I have experienced great personal growth as a collaborator and in the past few years have embarked upon collaborations that saw me taking on roles of greater responsibility. This has given me many experiences that have illuminated both in my life and in my work, that all ideas - of onesself, of ones work, of the greater schemes, need a language to communicate. People cannot be expected to interpret. I have found most recently with one group I work with that I will err on the side of over expressing simple ideas, when really there is either enough already understood or there is a need for something wholly different to be communicated.

Slowly I'll reflect, figuring out which mishaps are my reponsibility, conscious that I can be very hard on myself if I'm not careful. Some things I have noticed: I have little experience in operating with visible, healthy confidence, feeling like a pendelum swinging between underwhelming presence or over-assertiveness. I am further sickened by the moments when, out of necessity, I resemble a "player", a stereotype that I have perhaps too much disdain for. A few more: in periods when there was no discernible motivation, I pressured myself to have a clarity of vision when all was fog. This made already tricky moments of collaborating way more tedious and loaded than they needed to be, and cost me some credibility. Sometimes my sensitivity to the others involved slowed me down to the point of losing momentum and focus. Sometimes I knew intuitively that the person(s) simply were not eager to collaborate in the way I had made clear I was offering, and at the stage of the process, there was no time to clarify or change direction. I pushed on as best as I could.

a.m. Sunday - the greatest band in all the land - is finishing our cd. Last week we mixed our 12 songs down in Chicago. The record is the most personal and focused piece of music I have ever been involved in. It is, I hope, a strong step in a direction to the greater endeavor which is letting the world enjoy the minds and spirit of our group for years and years, and to give the members an initial centerpiece of creativity, fulfillment, and income that will enrich all of us and keep us connected and inspired. To me, it has reached a stage where the fog has lifted and we can begin to see what has come of the past few months. It is time now to assess where we are and to make sure that the final release of the record into the ether resonates with the majority of our ambitions. It is an exciting and HORRIFYING time.

Long before we recorded, Darrick and I spoke of our collaboration. He said he wasn't sure if we should be friends since we were going into work together. (He laughed last time I reminded him of this.) Back them, he also worried about the future of this band. He worried about where Suki was with it, where he was, and I'm sure he worried where I was, too. (I did.) Hearing his worries relieved me of the same concerns just long enough to grab from my deeper awareness one simple idea: "We just need to make the best record we can and let the future happen later."

Art speaks for itself. Right now we are all in our seperate corners deciding what it is we have said and how close it was to what we meant. While we strive for clean ears to listen anew, still too aware of the compromises that each of us made in order to complete our project, there is at least the satisfaction (I hope) that what we have achieved thus far is a recording completely uncompromised by outside influence. It has a purity - and while everyone, myself included, will gag on that idea, everyone would have to agree that the record is the result of everything our collaboration could come up with in what was the most unsane period we've experienced since we've been a band. Since the start of our record, the group has encountered breakups, relocations, car wrecks, system malfunctions, romance, cell phone interference, and international intrigue. I can say confidently that we have made a record that is emotionally correct for us. Of course, as I said half-jokingly before our last Louisville show, I am not sure who anyone is now.

I am eager to get reacquainted and see if we have made the record we hoped to, to see what work is to happen next, and to see if Darrick had good reason to worry about the future. In the meantime, I turn back to an Open Circle, aware that all which we see right now is not the completion of the task...