Van Talk #3

So the Saudis really own a shitload of this country.

Don’t rule out the Chineese.

Its amazing that there haven’t been any attacks in a while.

There have been some attempts while we were out.

Really? What?

Fort Dix.

The London Subway.

That was years ago.

No, this just happened – or they say it just happened. Who can really tell.

In 400 feet turn back.

There it is.

Its huge.

In 350 feet turn back.

This is the best Starbucks ever.

Look. Super Target.

This compound of stores could be any American city we have passed through. The Express are next to the Limited, Barnes and Noble likes to be near the Whole Foods.

It’s a dick sucking planet we live on.

Whoa. Look.

Yeah, but she’s been out in the sun. If you put your face down there it will smell.

Who do you think wants to control more?

I think at first the Saudis would have been fine leaving themselves from -

I have this dream about this country being taken over by the worst. Someone else running this country. Right now we are delusional slaves. We’re slaves and we don’t know it. But soon we’ll be slaves and we’ll know it.

I will be dead.

In a strange way I look forward to that.

A manifestation of what hell is will be here on this continent.

People have been leaving for years.

Phil says the Bible says Bear from east and Roman government.

Those decisions the government is making – its not staying true to the Declaration of Independence.

Theres a few trillion, a couple billionaires, some million and a whole lot of Milli Vannillionaires who think they have a lot money but don’t have shit.

It would even be benieficial to have jars of seeds. If we get nuked, there might be places where you can’t grow food.

Seeds don’t last forever, bro.

Like in Total recall when they...ah...fuckin...

I’ve never seen Total Recall.

Like last night when I was taking about my reality – this is it.

That’s why I worried about you calling it all delusion, because some of it is just the frustration of living when things are fucked up. Some of it is your sanity.

I know how to get with God. I’ve known how to get with God my whole life.

What if this is between God and man and there is nothing an angel can do. It’s like, nooo - you can’t go back to your air conditioner.

It’s between man and God.

I think its between man and man.

I can agree with all that because I think we are God. The conversation is between us and us.

Instead of meditating and communicating with God I am going to turn to my computer. Son, come to me. No, I’m just gonna go to my computer. It’s comforting.

This is beautiful when it ends how are you ever going to describe it when it’s over. This is peace. Embrace it.

The awesome thing is I don’t know if you mean the world outside the van or inside the van, but I say yes to both of them.

We were given the little things to exercise our appreciation…. Did you know those are the words to Touch of Anger.

Yes.

Instead of blowing up buildings, that was me crying to God.

Emrace the mistakes. That’s all he asked.

Some people would say the mistakes are the best part.

Yeah, but that would be the punk rockers and fuck them.

I dunno man, you with your acoustic guitar and how we play to these rooms – it’s pretty punk rock. What you're calling punk is cartoon music.

They’re all makin deals now. Its all been a movie that’s been going on. People think they’re right it’s like wrestling they’re not really mad. They’re just acting. They’re all in on it.

Does anyone know this band Chevelle?

Yeah. Yeah.

What are they like?

Nu Metal?

A hard working suck-ass band of imitators. But that was 6 years ago. They may have refined their suck-assed ness to something cool.

Someone broke into their trailer and stole all their shit.

My fear is that theres a big ass lion coming to eat me.

What is the greatest betrayal is that what is happening on top isn’t really what is happening.

That is the hoodwink.

All betrayal is is that within yourself. You’re coming into another knowledge.

Like the Matrix.

This isn’t Matrix dawg, its Constantine. I’ve seen that shit my whole life.

I’m getting used to the fact that the two films that best express the collective understanding of this van both star Keanu Reeves.

Yep. I really conjured up some fear. Its scary all that stuff we talked about. I spend a lot of time avoiding giving any light to that subject.

Outside Lake Charles

Everyone piles back in the van to leave Baton Rouge for our next-to-last show in Houston.

“Dos Mas,” says Fresta.

Outside Lake Charles we stop for gas. I reach Traci on the phone.

“I have eaten like shit on this tour.”

“I thought you were going on a raw diet with Malcolm.”

“Didn’t do it.”

“That’s a good thing,” Traci says. “Remember - before you left you were giving up red meat. It sounds like you’d have to eat a lot of it.”

“I know.”

“ Think of your cholesterol.”

“All they have to eat here is chips, Community coffee and tamales.”

“I like that they drink coffee called Community,” my awesome wife says. “Because that’s what coffee should be.”

I grab a curious looking black bag of Doritos. Under the brand logo, printed in block black lettering it says:

This is the X-13D Flavor Experiment, the bag says. Objective: taste and name Doritos flavor X-13D. Receive additional instruction at snackstrongproductions.com or text “X-13D” to 24477 (‘CHIPS’).

Tasting notes: An All Amreican Classic.

“I’m getting Doritos,” I tell Traci. ”But they won’t tell me what kind they are. They need me to verify that they actually taste like something and then tell them what they should be named. In New York, I have been paid upwards of 150 dollars an hour to do this kind of work. Test marketing they call it there. But our here in the humid mossy regions of Louisiana, Doritos expect me to pay the .99 and do the work for free. I even bet they already know what flavor it is."

“Doritos?” Traci says. “You could eat better than that.”

“Not here I can’t”.

“Don’t they have any pork cracklin’s?”

“I’m sick of pork cracklin’s. The X-13D’s will be fine. Plus, if I’m going to eat shitty food, this way I can be productive. These van rides are hindering my sense of accomplishment in the daylight hours.

"Actually, this is a great idea. Why don’t we go into business making shitty food products that we bag in non-descript packages, then tell people to call us and tell us what it is. Make a few bucks on the phone call while we’re at it."

“You’re so smart," Traci says.