Dinner Break (18th night pt.2)

I'm eating the loneliest slice of pizza in New York.

The second loneliest, I guess. The first and most lonely slice was a little further north on Columbus. Eating it gave me some energy and immediately I didn't feel so much. But when i finished, I was still hungry, and I decided if I was in for another lonely slice, it should be Ray's.

This one is much better.

On the radio is Sheryl Crow singing, "If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. If it makes you happy, why are you so sad?"

Maybe it's is a sad slice.

I wonder if in the time it takes to eat this slice I could get it out of me. There's a black shriveled leaf of basil in the middle of it.

(Paul Simon "Something So Right.")

I am sad because sometimes, today especially, I feel so far out of my element that I don't know how to act. My shyness and reluctance to speak has weighed hard on me in the past weeks. It's an unnatural behavior that I've made habitual. I am pretty sure I am the only person in the cast today who was lying down in the dressing room with the light off, scared to step out into the hall. I haven't had a vacation in over 18 months and it's wearing me down. I see the difference it makes with people around me as I fumble through our limited exchanges. I feel like I've been in the presence of random passing people for so long that I've forgotten how to talk. (Gram Parsons "In My Hour Of Darkness) I am awkward in instances, or come on with such force its too much. I have become more rather than less self conscious.

Kierkegaard has written about the man who imposes introversion. I am reading it in Denial Of Death and its freaking me out. But more on that later. (Days Of The New "Last One")

Yesterday the lovely cadaver.
Today Tim Krekel passes.
The rain it raineth.

I thought in moving here that we would make good friends in New York City. But I feel like Traci and I have barely got to know anyone much less feel like we've grown with anyone.

It's better than this. I'm just having a hard day.

(Lyle Lovett "Church")

Traci has been happier lately which is a direct effect of my having such a good and steady job. This has relaxed me and that has been great for both of us. On a day like today, I am already dreading it ending, and this is making it even weirder to relate to the people around me. I've been here before. I don't think I have the strength to feel this way any more. Something's got to change.

My brother Mike is coming home tomorrow for a 2 week break from Iraq. This is so impossible for me to conceive of. I have barely spoken with him.

I talked to Dad today. On a day like today, where my mind goes...

Paul Simon in Central Park. Slip Sliding Away. Feste and Come Away Death. It's a big, sad cocktail, isn't it?

People Are Giving Less On The Subways

by Little Willy Shakes and Ray aboard the long A Train

I watch twelve o'clock turn to twelve o one a.m.
My mistress I'm misdressed, night mayhem clocks
at midnight but I rock Big Ben

Brother can you spare a stroke

".can you please help a homeless person?"
again dragon's feet and knees, hollow teeth
grey braided hair
fingers long and jaded
pressing a word to the flat floor

) (

I could have helped before the door opened and left him
nothing
did I say

Hello Hi Hey n"Ice E U in Eighties

dungarees nice undegrees

I didn't do nothing, I did worse. Seeing a second time both times in the same mind
he knew I knew the times a'make you loosen your ties, improvise

calling lies
in2
questions
revise
retention
Be
lies in intention
all is one
all is ice
in Hades

Play these, tune awhile
from now be gone and
smile

Courteous curtsy,
bow
wow wow yippee
O ditty say

"Kin' rain again some sunny a'day?"
away from hysteria
the element is clearing. YEah.
I'm so pleased I'll ear in ya mouth
ear in ya mouth

clearing
hearing
speak
in the
south

ear in your mouth
I'll ear in your mouth
I'll earn 20 an hour if i go pro
ear in your mouth, I'll ear in ya mouth
or do my best when I'm all alone
I'll ear in ya mouth

Uses are uselessly calling me home
I'll never go without you
I need to know, need to grow
into your ratatouille
you in my chop suey


"Uses are useless"
:kiln baked motto of a single mind
dead.
An end of a
voyage of nothing

With hat's off like mathematicians
gave it over to the innervisions

joy is a strong thing
to support your moves
find some proofs
and flush the suit

18th Night

Rehearsals for the musician/actors of 12th night began the week of May 12th. May 18th was Mom's birthday. On that evening I left the apartment with Traci's ipod on shuffle.

It started with "Fall"? from Vivaldi's The Four Season's, which was the c.d. I played when I would give her a massage. The next song was an Afro Cuban drum and voice performance of "I Wish You Love". Then, Paul Simon singing "Have A Good Time". Then the Pointy Kitties "So Unreal". Then more Cubano. Ba ba ba.

On October 14th it will have been ten years since Mom left. Mom would be 71 this year.

I always remember the day she died.

This was the first year in !0 I felt the day she was born.

There is a song in 12th Night called "Come Away Death". it is the bulls eye of sad song lyrics, and when we play Hem's version of it, I truly believe that every soul in earshot feels the warm insulation of utter sad despair that Orsinos everywhere will cloak themselves in. it's a drug rush, this kind of sadness. It can become addictive.

"Come Away Death" has in it the saddest line in a song I have ever heard.

"Sad true lover never find my grave to weep there."

It is a lyric that could make Hank Williams mute in a "the rest is silence" kind of way. I used to think "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry" was the saddest song ever written. But Willy Shake put to Hem's melodies, played by the Illyriacs and sung by David, Raul and Annie takes the cake.

A week ago I watched a filled body bag on a stretcher be taken from the house across the street. There were only the medical team members present. it reminded me of when Mom was sick.

"You don't know how lucky she is," Nurse Judy told me. "Many people go through this alone." Judy also told me I was lucky. I got to mourn Mom while she was alive.

One day during tech David Pittu saw the book I'm currently reading and said, "Oh, stop denying death, Ray!"

I did.