Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Dinner Break (18th night pt.2)

I'm eating the loneliest slice of pizza in New York.

The second loneliest, I guess. The first and most lonely slice was a little further north on Columbus. Eating it gave me some energy and immediately I didn't feel so much. But when i finished, I was still hungry, and I decided if I was in for another lonely slice, it should be Ray's.

This one is much better.

On the radio is Sheryl Crow singing, "If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. If it makes you happy, why are you so sad?"

Maybe it's is a sad slice.

I wonder if in the time it takes to eat this slice I could get it out of me. There's a black shriveled leaf of basil in the middle of it.

(Paul Simon "Something So Right.")

I am sad because sometimes, today especially, I feel so far out of my element that I don't know how to act. My shyness and reluctance to speak has weighed hard on me in the past weeks. It's an unnatural behavior that I've made habitual. I am pretty sure I am the only person in the cast today who was lying down in the dressing room with the light off, scared to step out into the hall. I haven't had a vacation in over 18 months and it's wearing me down. I see the difference it makes with people around me as I fumble through our limited exchanges. I feel like I've been in the presence of random passing people for so long that I've forgotten how to talk. (Gram Parsons "In My Hour Of Darkness) I am awkward in instances, or come on with such force its too much. I have become more rather than less self conscious.

Kierkegaard has written about the man who imposes introversion. I am reading it in Denial Of Death and its freaking me out. But more on that later. (Days Of The New "Last One")

Yesterday the lovely cadaver.
Today Tim Krekel passes.
The rain it raineth.

I thought in moving here that we would make good friends in New York City. But I feel like Traci and I have barely got to know anyone much less feel like we've grown with anyone.

It's better than this. I'm just having a hard day.

(Lyle Lovett "Church")

Traci has been happier lately which is a direct effect of my having such a good and steady job. This has relaxed me and that has been great for both of us. On a day like today, I am already dreading it ending, and this is making it even weirder to relate to the people around me. I've been here before. I don't think I have the strength to feel this way any more. Something's got to change.

My brother Mike is coming home tomorrow for a 2 week break from Iraq. This is so impossible for me to conceive of. I have barely spoken with him.

I talked to Dad today. On a day like today, where my mind goes...

Paul Simon in Central Park. Slip Sliding Away. Feste and Come Away Death. It's a big, sad cocktail, isn't it?

No comments: