Everyone piles back in the van to leave Baton Rouge for our next-to-last show in Houston.
“Dos Mas,” says Fresta.
Outside Lake Charles we stop for gas. I reach Traci on the phone.
“I have eaten like shit on this tour.”
“I thought you were going on a raw diet with Malcolm.”
“Didn’t do it.”
“That’s a good thing,” Traci says. “Remember - before you left you were giving up red meat. It sounds like you’d have to eat a lot of it.”
“ Think of your cholesterol.”
“All they have to eat here is chips, Community coffee and tamales.”
“I like that they drink coffee called Community,” my awesome wife says. “Because that’s what coffee should be.”
I grab a curious looking black bag of Doritos. Under the brand logo, printed in block black lettering it says:
This is the X-13D Flavor Experiment, the bag says. Objective: taste and name Doritos flavor X-13D. Receive additional instruction at snackstrongproductions.com or text “X-13D” to 24477 (‘CHIPS’).
Tasting notes: An All Amreican Classic.
“I’m getting Doritos,” I tell Traci. ”But they won’t tell me what kind they are. They need me to verify that they actually taste like something and then tell them what they should be named. In New York, I have been paid upwards of 150 dollars an hour to do this kind of work. Test marketing they call it there. But our here in the humid mossy regions of Louisiana, Doritos expect me to pay the .99 and do the work for free. I even bet they already know what flavor it is."
“Doritos?” Traci says. “You could eat better than that.”
“Not here I can’t”.
“Don’t they have any pork cracklin’s?”
“I’m sick of pork cracklin’s. The X-13D’s will be fine. Plus, if I’m going to eat shitty food, this way I can be productive. These van rides are hindering my sense of accomplishment in the daylight hours.
"Actually, this is a great idea. Why don’t we go into business making shitty food products that we bag in non-descript packages, then tell people to call us and tell us what it is. Make a few bucks on the phone call while we’re at it."
“You’re so smart," Traci says.