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Thursday, January 24, 2008

Porno for Jesus

South of Indianapolis Travis gives the signal for a pit stop,“Yeurrrinn!”, and we pull into a quaint gas station across the street from an Adult Store. Outside the fence of the porn store parking lot a wooden shack has been erected for protesters who have been present since the store opened. A bus is unloading well-dressed citizens from elsewhere as we pull up. They appear to be reinfoorcements for the ranks of do-gooders in the shack.

There is some picketing involved with the protesting, but more impressive is the group’s paparazzi tactics. Poking out of the tent are lenses from cameras. “WE WILL TAKE YOUR PICTURE AND SEND IT TO YOUR EMPLOYER” says a big wooden sign by the shack. When Malcolm and I see that there is a photo op for walking in the store, we check our hair and press our shirts and get ready for our close up.

For being along the side of an Indiana Highway, the porn store is as clean and neat as The Pleasure Chest in Manhattan. The attendant is very helpful with Malcolm’s request for certain titles and performers. Then Phil comes in and asks her where the Hustlers are and buys one.

“There she is,” Phil says proudly. In the centerfold of this month’s Hustler is the dear Tera, complete with a purple dong in her snizz and a message for every man looking to receive the love she transmits from the photo.

Malcolm becomes so comfortable with being filmed that on his way out he takes a piss behind the dumpster right under the security camera. Then we load into the van and drive out for one last photo op with the protesters. Only this time we take the pictures.

Every generation is represented by the protesters, making it easy for me to see that what for some is an idealogical battle is for others a safe place to be involved and purposeful. The protesters are of a Christian bent, but I don’t see how threatening a truck driver with unemployment can be considered charitable. What distresses me the most is the protesters’ use of shame as a primary force in their methods. This distresses me because generationally-bred shame is often what divides people from themselves in the first place, making it difficult for them to coexist with natural sexual impulses, and making things like pornography such an irresistible and unhealthy digression. Taking pictures of such people will not make things better – it only intensifies the divide within them. So if the main goal of these porno protesters is the health of their suffering community, they should really go the fuck home.

Porn isn’t perfect, it could use some improvement. I can’t really get into some of the material that gets passed around the van. There is this one with a girl and bananas and a monkey with a video camera that is pretty dope, but for me I like to see porn with better story lines and more for the imagination. Rather than curse the candle, I offer a submission:

RAY’s 10 Minute Porn

Fade in to wide shot of Indiana Countryside. Camera pans past the corn and soybean fields to a seven foot concrete wall surrounding the perimeter of the pastel colored porn store. Camera pans along the wall past wooden signs saying “Porn kills” “Smile, we’re taking your picture.” “Truckers, we will send your photo to your employer.” Camera settles on the image of a makeshift wooden shack built like a kids jungle gym and a tree stand for a deer hunter. Camera closes in on the door.

Cut to Interior of shack. REVER, JORDAN, and CURTIS are seated around a small table. Behind them a calendar with a picture of the Virgin Mary has dates crossed off for the two years they have been at their post. Curtis is loading data from a video camera into a laptop. Rever is crossing off another day on the calendar. Jordan is sipping coffee from a thermos.

JORDAN: Two years and they still haven’t got us a portopotty.

REVER: When we did a Strike at Ford a few years back the union pulled up a mobile latrene and had food catered. At least for the first week they did.

JORDAN: Here’s one.

Curtis has finished loading the laptop and hands the video camera to Jordan.

CURTIS: Make us proud Man Ray.

JORDAN: It’s a van – with a trailer. Must be four or five guys in it. Looks like a few of them have beards..

REVER: Be sure to get a picture of the license plate.

JORDAN: Holy - (Turns nervously towards Rever and Curtis) Fellas. Their liscence plate – (takes a quick picture) Look at it!

Jordan shows Curtis and Rever the photo on the camera’s display screen. Rever hasps and makes the sign of the cross, taking a step backwards. Curtis takes the camera from Jordan and stares at it closely, then looks up as if to the setting sun.

CURTIS: Still Saving Lives.

JORDAN: Now, I know Jesus when I see him and that there is Jesus fucking Christ on that license plate. I know it!

CURTIS: Still saving lives.

JORDAN: They got big ass beards.

REVER: Fellers – fuck the portopotty. They sent us the big guns this time. (Takes a look at the Virgin Mary calendar) Our forty days and forty nights are over!

CURTIS: What are they doing now?

JORDAN: I can’t see they went behind the wall.

(Sound of van doors opening and closing. From far away the sound of a sprite like voice)

VOICE: Yerrrin! Oh, Yerrin! I yearn for your yerrrin!

Voice is followed by sound of a hanging bell on the front door of the store. Curtis Rever and Jordan stare at each other.

REVER: They went inside.

CURTIS: Surely he will be turning over tables in the market.

JORDAN: And making his body flesh for us to eat.

Curtis and Rever stare at Jordan.

JORDAN: We must prepare ourselves, right? Do something.

REVER: Let’s genuflect.

CURTIS: Out loud or in silence.

JORDAN: Oh, in silence please.

CURTIS: So be it. SO BE IT!

Rever, Curtis, and Jordan kneel on the floor of the shack in silence. Minutes pass. A few passing cars go by. At one point, Curtis sneaks a self portrait of himself with the camera. There is a noise outside and the flap is pulled back on the entrance. CHASTITY walks in with a casserole.

Jordan, Rever, and Curtis look up at Chastity and the food.

CHASTITY: Well, don’t ya’ll just stare at it – eat it! Momma was worried ya’ll was hungry so she made me bring you some casserole.

JORDAN : Shut up, Chastity!

CHASTITY: You shut up. The fuck are you doin?

JORDAN: We’re genuflecting you dumb cunt.

CURTIS: Jordan, don’t talk to your sister that way! (turns to Chastity) Little one, your Lord and Savior has arrived. Now get down on your knees and shut up like the rest of us.

Jordan grabs his sister and pulls her down to the kneeling position.

REVER: He’s still saving lives.

JORDAN: They’re inside.

CHASTITY: Who?

JORDAN: Jesus and his guys. They’re tearing the den of evil from it’s foundation.

REVER: Sanctifying our blessed nation and laying to waste the wicked infidels!

CURTIS: What happened to no talking? GENUFLECT!

CHASTITY: (Starts to cry) I didn’t bring enough casserole.

JORDAN: He can multiply it if he’s hungry.

CURTIS and REVER: Shhhhh!

The four kneel in silence. Two more cars pass. Then they hear the sound of the front door bell.

JORDAN: He has come.

CHASTITY: Oh, shit.

In the distance the same voice as before makes a cackling laugh. Then the sound of doors opening and closing on a van and the van starting up.

REVER: Here he comes.

Sound of van gets closer and then stops. All gasp. Door to van opens and there is the sound of approaching footsteps. They stop just before the entrance. All look down to see the feet of the one who approaches.

:JORDAN: His sandals are worn.

REVER: And his toenails are silver.

CHASTITY: Jesus, I’m sorry I didn’t know you were –

Suddenly an object is hurled into the shack and lands in front of them. It is a 14 inch dildo. As they stare, they hear the footsteps walk away. The door to the van closes, and the van rides off.

JORDAN: Sweet manna from heaven!

REVER: What is it?

CHASTITY: It’s a 14 inch silly swizz rocket double dong.

CURTIS: No doubt it was pulled from the dead carcass of the beast who did reside in the den of evil pornography.

CHASTITY: There’s a note on it.

EVERYONE screams.

JORDAN: What does it say?

REVER: No no no, don’t read it – if you look right into the word of God your heart will explode.

CHASTITY: It says, Enjoy.

CURTIS: Enjoy.

REVER: It is a gift from the Lord Savior for our hard work. Should we share it with the rest of the group when they get here?

CURTIS:” No, no. This holy gift meant for us. It is here to engender us with joy so we can administer to the multitudes. Yur – IN. En – Joy. Like the oils used to rub down our mighty savior on the eve of his destruction, we must not let temperance guide us in this moment. We must celebrate. And enjoy. For he has come and bestowed joy upon us, we must open ourselves wide to receive that which he has administered. Children! Let us be children again to feel rapturous joy with every inch of our bodies!

CURTIS CHASTITY REVER and JORDAN have every kind of sex imaginable with the dildo, each other, and the casserole. When they are done, they are overjoyed. On her way out, CHASTITY looks at the Virgin Mary calendar, circles the date and takes the calendar with her.

The End.

1 comment:

catsoks said...

C'mon... catholics don't do this shit. They're too busy protesting at Planned Parenthood. Porno picketing is strictly Protestant territory. They don't give a shit about Mary and they don't genuflect.

-Scott Anthony, Ray's resident porno dramaturg